Outsider?

by Gabbie

I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in on the world of religion and faith, catching occasional glimpses of something I would never understand. When I was old enough to wonder about religion, it took shape in my mind as a giant, nebulous mass full of mysterious ideas.
This is thanks mostly to my upbringing. To my knowledge, neither of my parents identifies themselves as part of any religion, and so there has never been any attempt to instill in me a faith in God, or in any deity or set of beliefs. The little knowledge I do have of religion has been gleaned passively, from idle conversation with friends or snippets of news articles that only left me more confused. Knowing so little, I had to wonder if there were any benefits to be had from knowing more. Was religion a missing piece of my life? Would it help me reach “true spiritual enlightenment,” or realize my path in life and find deep understanding of myself?
I didn’t have to mull these questions over long before I decided that the answer to all of them was no. Maybe there are people for whom the answer is different – for whom religion is a way of feeling more fulfilled, or connected, or comforted, or any number of things that I couldn’t imagine getting from religion myself. I realized that I could never reconcile any religious belief with everything that I’ve learned and hold to be true – everything that is scientific and logical; rational, even. My way of thinking always leads me to doubt and question, and this includes every religion I’ve ever come across.
Now that I’ve read about and researched religions and belief systems from Islam to Sikhism to Scientology to Pastafarianism, I can be even surer. Religions come with beliefs and practices, that I do not believe or have any reason to practice. Many religions laud themselves as not just a religion, but a way of life. But I would never want my way of life laid out for me; to me the best part of life is the freedom to choose, and to adhere to any religion would be to give up some of that freedom. This is true for anyone, unless that person truly believes in the religion.
I’ve questioned, also, whether there are really true believers, or whether they are a result of frequent or skillful brainwash. The question is innocent; not meant to deride religion – it stems from genuine curiosity, not cynicism. I still have many more such questions; for example, how were the first religions really formed, and why? I’ve read the histories of many faiths, but I still cannot make sense of exactly how they were created, and for what purpose. It’s clear that I still don’t understand religion, and as I’ve always thought, maybe I never fully will. But now, at least, I know that I don’t need to.